Yes you can be mentally ill, on benefits and go on holiday!

I think that there is a huge problem with how the mainstream media portray people with mental illness, people on benefits and people that fall in to both categories.

On this topic, the BBC have just published an article with the following headline: ‘Agoraphobic benefits cheat Tracy Johnson jailed for year’. Apparently Tracy Johnson claimed to have a number of mental health conditions. These included anxiety, depression, PTSD, hallucinations and agoraphobia. However, she was found to be working as a tour guide in South America. She was charged with falsely claiming £48000 in benefits. It was argued that she could not possibly be agoraphobic, or suffering from the conditions she said she suffered from, if she was able to travel the world. You can read the article at the following link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-27130728

There are a few things I want to say about this case and the way it has been reported. At the outset I want to make clear that I do not know if the correct verdict was reached; I do not know all the details of the case. Ms Johnson very well may have been fraudulently claiming benefits. However, there are a few problems I have with the coverage of this case and the way the article, the judge and the prosecutor have portrayed people more generally with mental illness who depend on benefits.

First of all, the article refers to Tracy Johnson living a “champagne lifestyle” because she has managed to travel to some holiday locations. There are two problems I have with this. First of all it implies that people are able to sustain elaborate lifestyles on benefits alone. This idea is misguided. The benefits system really isn’t as generous as many seem to think. It is hard enough to qualify for any incapacity benefits in the first place. The way that the Work Capability Assessments are set up makes it very hard for people with mental health problems to be found as unfit for work. If you do qualify the money isn’t enough to live a life of luxury on. It is enough money that the government believes you can just about survive on. 

The second related problem I have with this use of the term “champagne lifestyle” is the idea that anyone who is able to travel must be incredibly wealthy. Of course this is not the case. People choose how to spend their money depending on their priorities and for many a holiday is an important part of life. A benefit claimant may choose to use money from their benefits to travel to take a break and recuperate. This does not suddenly make them wealthy or extravagant.

The prosecution implied that if you have a mental health problem and you are on benefits, you should not be able to travel. As Ms Johnson herself says: ‘I am entitled to a little break. I think I'm entitled to go and sit on a beach in Goa.’ Of course she is. As long as she is not fraudulently claiming benefits obviously. People are entitled to spend their money (earned or through benefits) on what they see fit. Again, as she herself says: ‘you can sit on a beach in Goa watching the sunset and still be in a pretty desperate state’. Just the fact of going on a holiday when you have a mental illness does not mean that you are fraudulently claiming those benefits. Mental health conditions affect different people in different ways.

At one point the article states that ‘Johnson, who has also written novels, had posted on Facebook: "I am one spoilt girl”’. I am not sure what the relevance of the fact that Ms Johnson has written novels is. The subtle message seems to be something like this: of course Ms Johnson could not suffer from mental health conditions. She writes! People who are mentally ill are obviously incapable of writing or of any activity for that matter. We just sit around in a daze staring at walls all day. Better to lock us all up and make sure we never take a foot outdoors. No writing or travelling for us. 

The prosecutor sums up his case by saying that: “Tracy Johnson was living the life that honest, decent, hard working taxpayers could only dream of. While workers were going out to do their daily grind, she was shopping in New York or having a few days in Madrid.” Those on benefits have heard this kind of rhetoric before. The ‘hard working taxpayer’ is once again held up as the paradigm of virtue compared to the scrounging person on benefits. The indication being that those on benefits should be bloody grateful for what they get. If they are not fraudsters they are still an ‘other’ to the decent taxpayer. They don’t deserve holidays or respect for that matter. The language and the message are divisive and cruel.

People with mental health problems often find themselves incapable of working. They are forced to rely on other people for help. However, that help doesn’t come for free. There is a huge stigma surrounding those on benefits and the government and the media often portray them as scroungers, burdens on the taxpayer and fraudulent liars. Regardless of whether or not Ms Johnson was fraudulently claiming benefits, the implication of many articles in the media is that this kind of fraudulence is widespread. However, the real estimated level of benefits fraud is said to be less than 1%. 

To have to deal with this kind of stigma on top of your mental health condition is exhausting and painful. Those with disabilities on benefits are people who deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, not distrust and derision.

Do my symptoms mean I am going to die?

I have had a really tough time this week. It all started on Wednesday. I was going to bed and I noticed that  my right hand was in a strange claw like position. My ring finger and my little finger were all curled up which was weird. When I woke up the next day I noticed that both hands were slightly claw-like and my little and ring fingers were numb and weak. I had all these strange pins and needles sensations in my arms as well.

The trouble is that when you are feeling anxious already, any slight thing can trigger a major panic response. I thought: SHIT I am going to DIE. I thought it could be some strange neurological condition where I would eventually die a horrific painful death. 

Anyway, of course I spent hours on the internet researching what I was about to die from. Obviously all sorts of things came up. The one thing that fitted the most was cubital tunnel syndrome which is when the ulnar nerve in the arm gets trapped, often from spending too much time with your arms bent or leaning on your elbows (Oops, my obsessive use of the laptop may be to blame). I was slightly relieved at first that it was a minor condition. However I then identified all sorts of things that can be a risk factor for cubital tunnel syndrome: diabetes, hypothyroidism, multiple sclerosis and many more.

I soon started getting all sorts of other symptoms. My legs were going numb and I got pins and needles in them. I started getting dizzy and breathless. Suddenly I would feel this sensation in my neck like someone was throttling me and I would gasp for air. I thought that these were all signs of something much more serious. Because I thought I was dying, I had a full blown panic attack.

Since then I have remained in a constant state of anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t quite describe it. More like a constant state of PANIC. I keep hyperventilating and feeling like I am blacking out slightly for a second at a time.  I am convinced I am going to die even though as I write this I realise how irrational I am going to sound. 

There are so many physical problems that arise due to anxiety. I am absolutely sure that there was an original problem with my fingers but ever since I panicked over the whole thing, I don’t know which symptoms are ones to be worried about and which ones are down to anxiety. 

I am seeing a doctor on Thursday but it is not my usual doctor. I am scared that, like so many other doctors, they will put all of my symptoms down to anxiety and bipolar. When they see it on your medical records they jump to conclusions. No wonder so many people with bipolar seem to die young. Often symptoms of serious illness are missed because they are put down to the illness or the medication.

I wish I could tell which symptoms were caused by real physical problems rather than symptoms caused by anxiety. But I can’t. I just feel so pathetic and useless getting so worked up over something that is probably so minor. I feel an intense hatred towards myself. How ridiculous. People around the world are suffering from all sorts of serious illnesses and here I am worrying about weak, clawed fingers. 

It is almost like I had this anxiety building up inside of me already and it just took this slight trigger, the numbness in my fingers, to set me off in to panic mode. Sometimes I feel like I have anxiety just floating around in my brain and then something small happens and all my anxiety gets focused on that one thing. Sometimes it is social situations, sometimes things like flying in a plane, sometimes physical illness. 

Just writing this down makes me feel better and worse at the same time. I feel better as I realise how stupid I am being and I feel worse because I realise how stupid I am being! Right now I am just struggling to get through each anxiety ridden minute. I feel desperate. Diazepam is the only thing that helps but I can’t just live in a drug induced coma for weeks on end. I am so tired and just want to sleep where I can escape the anxiety for several glorious hours. 

It is ironic that just a few months ago I was experiencing suicidal ideation and yet now I am panicking about dying. I have often fantasised about the relief of mental pain through death. Now all I can think about is how I desperately want to live. Not like THIS though.

Honesty or positivity?

I was looking through my blog posts today and thinking lots of negative things. Of course, there were the standard problems of mistaken spellings and bad grammar. What really bothered me though was the inaccurate way I may be coming across.

I try to be completely honest in my posts and open up about things I would never talk about in real life. I would never tell anyone who knew me IRL that I self-harm. I wouldn’t tell them about scary intrusive thoughts I have or any of my catatonic behaviours. These are all just too embarrassing for me and hard to admit to, even to myself.

I realised though that the way I was writing a few of my posts was not completely honest. I noticed that I was often ending my posts on some sort of concluding positive note. I guess I thought that people would be annoyed with a negative or abrupt ending. It’s like when you read a book and you feel really let down if there is not some kind of upbeat or fulfilling conclusion. Sometimes the whole time you spent reading the book seems like a waste of time if there is not a satisfying end.

I seem to have applied this to my blog writing. But real life is not like this. There is no settled ending to what I am experiencing with my mental illness. The story just keeps unfolding. Sometimes there is a positive outcome or message; maybe I have grown as a person or become more hardened to life. However, often there is no positive spin I can take on my experiences. Sometimes what happens is just a bit shit really, but I’m forced to keep going in the hope that things will get better. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. 

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place when trying to blog, tweet or talk about your mental health condition. Some people will always be going through a tough time and will talk about their battles every day. This could be seen as honest and refreshing but some would view this as negative and draining. Alternatively some people will try and be really uplifting in an attempt to bring everyone up with them. This is a noble intention but some people will view it as dishonest about the daily struggle of living with mental illness

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Personally, I admire all people who talk about mental illness, whatever their take on it. However, I still can’t help but feel like a fraud when I try and send positive messages to others with mental illness. When I see someone struggle I just want to hug them and say something encouraging. I could say something like ‘I am sure you will feel better soon’. However, I know that things sometimes don’t improve; sometimes a mental illness is chronic. 

So do I help people with positive messages and feel like a fraud? Or do I go down the honest route and drag people down with me? 

Personally, I think that I should be honest about how harrowing the experience of mental illness can be. You can’t help people with positive messages if those messages are empty. Just talking honestly about your MH experiences can be helpful to some people. If they recognise the similarity of your experiences to their own, they feel less isolated and alone.

Importantly, I think that there are ways you can be honest in a positive way when you are trying to help someone. I don’t think that just being honest about your experience drags people down. However, being honest about your difficult experiences without listening to others may not be that useful. To help people, you need to not only tell your story but allow them to tell theirs. 

When they feel down, listen to them. You can offer positive advice, as long as it is truly meaningful. Just saying ‘things will be better tomorrow’ or ‘there is always a silver lining’ are not very helpful because you can’t possibly know these things. 

So what should you say? You can say that you hope they will feel better soon and that you are thinking of them. If appropriate, you can remind them of times they have not felt like this and point out that they may feel like this once again. Perhaps you can point out that some people have managed recovery or remission and so there may be hope for the future. Most importantly, you can just show that you and are there for them and they are not alone.

I think that honesty about mental illness is crucial in getting more awareness out there and in helping people feel less alone. However, positivity also has its place. As long as those positive messages are truly meaningful.