Rachel Kelly clearly and honestly
describes what depression feels like. She talks of the extreme anxiety, the
negative thoughts that whirl round the mind and the complete loss of will to do
anything other than lie in bed. She rather beautifully describes depression as
a black rainbow; all the colour becomes drained from your existence. I really
felt for her when I read her account. I have had depressive episodes before but
manage to block out the memories of them quite effectively. Reading the book
reminded me of the struggle I have been through.
Importantly, Rachel Kelly
emphasises the sheer physicality of depression. Depression can make you feel
like your body is falling apart. You can’t move, sleep or eat properly. You may
have all sorts of aches and pains. Every small task such as showering, dressing
and even going to the toilet is hugely challenging. Rachel Kelly describes this
physical agony of depression perfectly. She correctly points out that the mind
and the body are linked: that all human activity is psycho-physical. When you
are depressed, the body suffers too. People who haven’t experienced depression
should be interested to learn about the way the body suffers along with the
mind.
Many people who have had
depression will relate to the experiences she had with other people during her
illness. She relied heavily on others during her depressive episodes,
particularly on her husband and mother who were incredibly supportive. However,
not everyone was as tolerant. The negative reaction that some people had to her
depression was heartbreakingly familiar. Some people mistakenly believed that
because she was usually a cheerful person she couldn’t possibly suffer with
depression. Others didn’t believe that depression was a real illness and
thought it was something she should just pull herself out of. Sufferers of
depression will be all too familiar with these kinds of comments.
These negative reactions to
depression feed in to the feelings of guilt and shame which many of those with
mental illness suffer from. Rachel Kelly talks movingly about her own struggles
with these kinds of feelings. At several places in the book she expresses her guilt
at being depressed when she has such loving parents, husband and children. She
feels like she should be able to control her depression. These are common kinds
of thoughts among those who have suffered with mental illness. Of course
depression can affect anyone. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you do and
where you are from.
Rachel Kelly describes in detail
her journey through a bumpy recovery; every time she would get a little better from
each depressive episode, she would then have another bad day. Nonetheless there
were shafts of optimism and things gradually improved. She vividly describes
the feelings of coming out of depression where the black clouds covering the
rainbow gradually disperse. Suddenly colour comes back to your life and you
start appreciating everything again. I really enjoyed her use of this metaphor
and thought it provided a nice description of both illness and recovery.
Something that some readers won’t
feel like they can relate to are her experiences with mental health
professionals. Rachel Kelly received a lot of help from her psychiatrist and
from therapists, which sounds like they were seen privately. Due to constraints
on the NHS, many people will not have received such frequent intervention. This
is not to dismiss the wonderful job that many mental health professionals do. It’s
just that there isn’t enough funding to provide the kind of care required. Like many others, I have been on long waiting
lists to see people and don’t always get as much attention as I need.
Rachel Kelly’s main solace during
her two severe depressive episodes was poetry. The book title ‘Black Rainbow:
How words healed me – my journey through depression’ is a bit misleading as it may
suggest that poetry cured her depression. In fact, in the book she doesn’t push
poetry as a miracle cure. Rather poetry provides words you can cling on to when
at your lowest point. She includes in the book many of the poems which provided
her with much needed comfort. These may prove useful to many who can’t find the
words to express their pain but feel like they relate to the words in the poems.
Of course some people won’t find poetry comforting in their times of need. Personally, I don’t usually find poetry
particularly helpful. Like others, I may find solace in, say, music and art
rather than poetry: something that Rachel Kelly herself acknowledges.
She suggests a large number of
other techniques you can use to try and protect yourself from getting ill
again. For example, breathing exercises, good diet, supplements, physical
activity and therapy. All of these
should hopefully prove useful to readers who wish to maintain good mental
health. However, it is difficult to say which technique will work for which
person. Rachel Kelly is careful not to outrightly reject any one method of
treating mental health like, say, medication. She sensibly leaves the options
open and gives advice on the many diverse ways you can try to control your
illness. I would have perhaps liked to hear more about her journey through
different medications.
There were so many things in
Rachel Kelly’s book that I could relate to: the descriptions of what depression
feels like, the guilt sufferers experience, the way you have to become selfish
to survive, the weariness of battling the illness every day, the heavy reliance
on family and the pressure to not appear ill in front of certain people. Rachel
Kelly has produced a beautifully and eloquently written memoir full of honest
and relatable experiences. This book will be helpful to both those who relate
to her experiences and those who want to understand more about how depression
feels. She offers plenty of advice on how to cope with such a devastating
illness which both sufferers and carers will find useful. Rachel Kelly should
be commended on sharing her very personal story.
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